struggle


Seems the doctors may have been wrong in their initial diagnosis of my Grama. They were so sure it was pancreatic cancer. But now they are “sure” it is lymphoma. They are still awaiting more definitive results, especially to see if it is the treatable kind of lymphoma. Also a bone marrow test to see what stage it is. In spite of this, the oncologist is starting chemo today. He says if it is treatable, she should feel measurably better in only one week. If its not the treatable kind, well the chemo won’t “hurt her.” Cancer is never a good diagnosis, but lymphoma is miles better than the others, if it is treatable.

This is just in time, as the destruction this “not knowing” has wreaked on the family has even extended to me. This last week, I have thought things about people I┬álove that are very unkind. It is hard not to get sucked into the fear, anger, and resentment that hangs over all of us like a black cloud of doom. Please dear God, help us struggle through this time and come out the other side with faith and hope.

There is so much daily I want to talk about on here. But it seems I can’t get it into words, because I feel the need to explain everything before I post about it. So I said, self, just start doing it. And myself is trying to listen.

My life is miserable these days. Sure there are other people out there who have it worse. That does not lessen my pain or suffering. I still feel my pain and discomfort without taking away from anyone else’s suffering. And this is my den. And since I have been unable to chew through my leg and escape yet, I will use this space for what it is….a bitchfest on bad days and my bragging spot on good days.

I am so worried about where I am going to live. Since Mr. Vixen stopped working last August, things around here have become increasingly difficult (nearly impossible) on the financial side. I have rented the same place for 10 years this December and the rent has been really exceptional for this area and the landlord very understanding when things are tough. But now they must sell the home (court ordered). I don’t know where to go. I simply cannot afford the rent in this area. And I wouldnt be able to come up with first/last and/or deposit. My kids keep asking what my plan is…..I always have a plan (or so they think). I don’t have one. And it hurts my brain beyond belief to try and come up with one…what to do? I may have an out…a little secret out that may happen which I can’t explain right now. But the problem is, these people who are working on the secret something (people who seem to want to help me) can’t tell me anything…or won’t because they don’t want me to be disappointed. But what am I to do? Just tell my family…we are in limbo, you can hang in there? We have no plan, but I hope we won’t need one? Am I going to have to sleep in my van? Arrgh.

It’s hard to watch your family implode. My grama has been diagnosed with cancer. She has five children, the oldest is my mother. Now this is a hard time for all of them and watching them struggle to get through these early stages is hard. Communication is difficult and feelings are getting hurt. It seems obvious from the outside, but I know that it is not on the inside. It tears me apart to see them hurting so much and hurting each other. Control seems to be an issue also. My grandmother wants to be in control and each of them, in their own way, are struggling for control of their own. We are very tight-knit family, Irish Matriarch-type, and this is a futile struggle. No one but God is in charge now, but its not always easy to give it over. I pray for them and us, our unit. We must remain strong.

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