Just In Case

I protected the post below…email me for the password! I will be glad to share!

UPDATE: Mission accomplished and email sent.

 

Protected: Ummm, shit

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Cold

It’s 5:46am. It’s cold out here. Slept maybe five or six hours. Going to have to work on that. My jaw and the tooth that needs the crown are aching. Clenched too much in my sleep. Still shaking. Confused, hurt, feeling a little lost. Numb. Aimless.

Plan for today? Who knows. Can’t think that far ahead.

WTF am I doing up this early?

 

Family

I have been a renter for 10 years. To a complete stranger. I am not perfect, I have had issues and made mistakes. Still never in 10 years did she issue a Quit Or Pay order. In fact, to this day I owe her $4,000 in back rent, yet she knows my situation and knows I will pay her when I can (as I always have).

But family, they should know you, right? Especially the ones you have always been very close too. Who saved your husband’s life (emotionally/mentally) when I thought there was no hope. Asking me to be a part of something that I, obviously, might have reservations about (because in spite of the fact that we have been close my entire life) because her husband was in control. He who raped me and my sister. I thought I was forgiving. I thought it made no difference.

The truth is I didn’t have to pay rent at all since the day I had no toilet facilities. But I continued to do so. The truth is I give every penny I have to you for rent that I shouldn’t have to pay at all, legally. I am the idiot.

So, you have your son, who is a pawn but not free of guilt issue an order of 30 Quit. No reason. Not pay or quit. Just quit. In fact, you cut off the legal portion that is required by law to tell me why I have to quit the premises. I probably have more education in tenant/landlord law than you do, but since this has been an illegal rental all along it does not matter.

What matters is that I know. I know my rights and I know what is morally correct. And I love my family. This will not get back to them. Even if you let it, I will not defend myself or have any part of it. You have literally destroyed anything there was. I pity you and I pity your son, but mostly I pity your poor grandaughter who is very attached to us. She already has a divided family that hates each other, how sad to take away her auntie and her beloved Bear.

We will be gone in the 30 days. There is no way to go back from here. Even if it was a “scare tactic” there is no going on from here. Mr. Vixen and I have already prepared our tent. The kids are mostly big now, I only have to worry about Bear and I know where she can go for now. How do former homeowners who make too much money to qualify for aide end up homeless? Like this. 

I have only one warning for you: DO NOT talk about this to my mother (your sister) or my grandmother (your mother), because if you do….

The fires of hell will not compare to the rath you will feel.

 PS I am in the barn. And it is cold. So I have to go now. Rant over….life? not yet. I promise.

 

The Great Power Cord Debacle # 672

Hey everyone, this is Vixen’s daughter Shannymar here to let you know that she is internet-less once more due to the total craptacity of the power cord to her laptop. (If you follow her blog regularly, then you know this isn’t the first or second time!)

She wanted me to let you know that she misses you terribly and is having Internet withdrawals, which I don’t doubt for a second otherwise she wouldn’t be calling me. I’m just waiting for the phone call in a couple of hours when she JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE and she makes me sign on to read her comments to her.

So leave her nice comments while she is gone about how much you miss her and about what an ASS her power cord is and how you would TOTALLY kick it’s butt if you saw it on the playground.

 

Slapdash

So those pictures I promised you of the eclipse? I did promise, didn’t I? At any rate, you have to go here to see the awesomeness for several reasons. You see her tripod is 2 times better than mine, her camera is three times better than mine, her talent is four times better than mine and her vision is five times better than mine (but, hey, she’ll get old someday too). I did, however, manage to capture 27 amazingly pure black photos of nothing but pure blackness before my batteries died. Quite good too, if you ask me. So go visit Nannygoat’s awesome recap of our eclipse evening.

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The other day at Skittle’s Place I finally found out how to do those little lines in a post (above/below). Cool.

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This morning I noticed I sent out an invoice to a customer in Slovenia with their company name wrong. The company is Geoservis and I sent it out Geocervix. I hope that translates better in Slovenian.

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I need a place to live. It must accept dogs. It must be quick, before I lose my mind.

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Everything I just said above is irrelevant. Until Mr. Vixen’s SSDI comes through I can’t do shit but wait and try to keep my kids and husband from hurting anyone. Most especially me.

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I just had to add shit to my spell checker. Perfect.

 

Unraveling

I don’t have words to describe

And what would you care anyway

I can roll with the punches

But only because I always have an instant plan

If only it was just me

But it’s not I have to separate myself

And tuck away any emotions

Care for my family, as dwindling as it might be

No matter the instructions

Take care of yourself

Who I am, means I must take care of the youngin’

I just need a place to go

Where I can live with life’s necessities

And not suffer this paralyzing, slow torture

Of punishment and disappointment

Of losing my spark, my soul

 

I Have Issues

I have many issues. This blog is my lifesaver yet I have neglected it. As Harlekwin said in a comment, my depression is definitely situational. I have dug myself a pit and am unable to figure out exactly how I am going to get out of it. I, once again, don’t have a decent TT. I also have not posted the results from my TITT weeks ago. This will sound like a pity party, but I just want to put it out there anyway, because it makes me feel better.

There is not enough time in the day. And I seem to be much, much more exhausted with the pain. To me it seems I am in permanent limbo with these pain issues. I only get better if I don’t do anything. But I am out of paid time off and had to take Monday off without pay. Stupid ass bus that hit me.

It has been rainy and so my commute is longer (WHY can’t SoCal people drive in the rain???) which means I have less free time and more pain from sitting in the car.

There have been some issues with money. Like a lack of food and gas money. And a serious lack of money/diapers/telephone service/seizure medication over at Ladybugs house, so I have been giving all I have to that.

I took the g-babes and their parentals to the snow because I knew it wouldn’t last and it was only 21 miles up the road. We had a great time, but Ladybug had at least one seizure which I witnessed. It was very brief and something her parents witness weekly, but I don’t. Honestly it upset me at levels I hadn’t even recognized until I started typing this and started bawling.

Mr. Vixen’s disability seems to be in permanent limbo. I do not make enough money alone. It has been since August. Any longer and I will lose my only car and my electric and water and possibly my sleeping quarters.

I feel like the biggest, stupidest, most idiotic person on the place of the planet. I haven’t shared with you all (the only people I can share with) most of the stuff that has been happening at the homestead. I talked about how my toilet doesn’t work, but I didn’t tell you all that the barn toilet I was using also broke nearly two months ago. Now I am forced to use the toilet in Cousin It’s house. That is 2.5 acres away. My blood sugar has been poorly controlled and meds have been changed/increased. The side effects are…ummm….toilet usage. Spontaneously and direly in the middle of the night. It hasn’t always been possible. It has been ugly. During a conversation with my aunt/landlady the day after Xmas, I was very honest with her. Nearly hysterical in trying to explain to her how impossible this situation is. The result: “You don’t not have a bathroom. You just have a bathroom that is inconvenient to get to.” I also never told you all that after I moved in I found out there was full ducting for a heater in the MiniCabin, but that they had “saved money” and purchased it without a furnace. So not only do I not have heat (and it has been in the 25-30 range nightly for three months), but I have a bunch of vents that let cold air in. I finally taped cardboard over all of them. We have a lovely electric heater my mother bought me for Christmas, but then our electric bill for the month (the kids don’t have heat in their ‘rooms’ either and so have to use space heaters) was $750. Insanity. I have a plan, but it cannot come to fruition without Mr. Vixen’s SSDI. Catch-22. The stupid part, I continue to pay rent and they continue to harass me about paying it on time.

So many things. All wrong. Most likely illegal. Family. Stress. I have all these things I want to say and write and create. But I come home and suffer silently in pain. Jeebus, this isn’t what I wanted this post to say. But I have to put it somewhere. Please don’t think less of me…

EDIT: Also I have a ton of pictures I want to put up on my 365 and I actually did some kind deeds that I need to post also!! I feel crappy about my lack of posting stuff!

2nd EDIT: After that pathetically sad post, I have to add this video. Because I keep having to go back to it so I can stop crying. It makes me smile and if I keep hitting replay I can forget the ‘look’ when she had the seizure and I hear is “3, 2, 1 Doh”:

 

Quickie Update For Monday

Hope to possibly have a HorT up tomorrow, hope springs eternal. For now you get bullets:

• After I took the Flexeril on Friday night, I fell asleep in my chair by 7:15 and at 8:00 woke up and went to bed. Didn’t wake until 8am Saturday.
• The long, hard sleep seemed to help because I didn’t have much problems on Saturday, only having to take ibuprofen.
• Saturday evening after dinner, Cousin It dropped a bomb on us about what Mr. Vixen does around the property (he was getting paid for all the maintenance and now won’t be, plus he won’t get paid for what he already did). There was a slightly big blowout and now none of us are speaking. I still owe half the rent (was supposed to pay on Friday), but we decided to hold it and when he asks for it, we will tell him we aren’t paying anymore rent until we have a toilet in our home. It is the law after all (as is providing heat, but one battle at a time). But that could go bad (note: take my word, never enter a business deal with family even if you are going to be homeless).
• Sunday evening my work Christmas party was a wonderful cruise on the harbor during The Parade of Lights (all the boats dress up in lights and parade around the bay). The food was fabulous.
• The phone number the Transit (bus) gave to me and my insurance? It goes nowhere. Now I have to get a copy of the police report and see if they got a good number. They better not try to pull any shit, I will get a lawyer and they will pay a lot more than they would have too.
• Most importantly, the reason you get bullets and not much more????? My power cord died again!!! I have only owned the laptop since Xmas day last year and this is my second one. I am not happy.

 

I have a dirty little secret

Do you want to know what mys secret is? Well, since I like  you guys just come over here and I will whisper it in your ear…

I have a spasming trapezious!

Isn’t that shameful? I did not give said trapezious permission to spasm. Ol’ trappy seems to be taking his instructions from the bus not my brain. Good news? I got drugs. Bad news? I can’t take them at work or drive.  Good news? It will get better. Bad news? Apparently it will get worse first, before it gets better.

Heading off to office holiday pizza party, then stopping by car repair place, then heading home so I can blog while under the influence!