January 2008


I have many issues. This blog is my lifesaver yet I have neglected it. As Harlekwin said in a comment, my depression is definitely situational. I have dug myself a pit and am unable to figure out exactly how I am going to get out of it. I, once again, don’t have a decent TT. I also have not posted the results from my TITT weeks ago. This will sound like a pity party, but I just want to put it out there anyway, because it makes me feel better.

There is not enough time in the day. And I seem to be much, much more exhausted with the pain. To me it seems I am in permanent limbo with these pain issues. I only get better if I don’t do anything. But I am out of paid time off and had to take Monday off without pay. Stupid ass bus that hit me.

It has been rainy and so my commute is longer (WHY can’t SoCal people drive in the rain???) which means I have less free time and more pain from sitting in the car.

There have been some issues with money. Like a lack of food and gas money. And a serious lack of money/diapers/telephone service/seizure medication over at Ladybugs house, so I have been giving all I have to that.

I took the g-babes and their parentals to the snow because I knew it wouldn’t last and it was only 21 miles up the road. We had a great time, but Ladybug had at least one seizure which I witnessed. It was very brief and something her parents witness weekly, but I don’t. Honestly it upset me at levels I hadn’t even recognized until I started typing this and started bawling.

Mr. Vixen’s disability seems to be in permanent limbo. I do not make enough money alone. It has been since August. Any longer and I will lose my only car and my electric and water and possibly my sleeping quarters.

I feel like the biggest, stupidest, most idiotic person on the place of the planet. I haven’t shared with you all (the only people I can share with) most of the stuff that has been happening at the homestead. I talked about how my toilet doesn’t work, but I didn’t tell you all that the barn toilet I was using also broke nearly two months ago. Now I am forced to use the toilet in Cousin It’s house. That is 2.5 acres away. My blood sugar has been poorly controlled and meds have been changed/increased. The side effects are…ummm….toilet usage. Spontaneously and direly in the middle of the night. It hasn’t always been possible. It has been ugly. During a conversation with my aunt/landlady the day after Xmas, I was very honest with her. Nearly hysterical in trying to explain to her how impossible this situation is. The result: “You don’t not have a bathroom. You just have a bathroom that is inconvenient to get to.” I also never told you all that after I moved in I found out there was full ducting for a heater in the MiniCabin, but that they had “saved money” and purchased it without a furnace. So not only do I not have heat (and it has been in the 25-30 range nightly for three months), but I have a bunch of vents that let cold air in. I finally taped cardboard over all of them. We have a lovely electric heater my mother bought me for Christmas, but then our electric bill for the month (the kids don’t have heat in their ‘rooms’ either and so have to use space heaters) was $750. Insanity. I have a plan, but it cannot come to fruition without Mr. Vixen’s SSDI. Catch-22. The stupid part, I continue to pay rent and they continue to harass me about paying it on time.

So many things. All wrong. Most likely illegal. Family. Stress. I have all these things I want to say and write and create. But I come home and suffer silently in pain. Jeebus, this isn’t what I wanted this post to say. But I have to put it somewhere. Please don’t think less of me…Signature

EDIT: Also I have a ton of pictures I want to put up on my 365 and I actually did some kind deeds that I need to post also!! I feel crappy about my lack of posting stuff!

2nd EDIT: After that pathetically sad post, I have to add this video. Because I keep having to go back to it so I can stop crying. It makes me smile and if I keep hitting replay I can forget the ‘look’ when she had the seizure and I hear is “3, 2, 1 Doh”:

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Poor Marmagoo has no TV. which made me sad for her and then I remember LOST is back tomorrow and I started to have a little big panic attack. I have waited and waited for this show to return. This show is my nasty, dirty habit. I postponed my daughter’s wedding rehearsal by one night, because they wanted it at the same time as LOST was on (this was back in 2004 when it had just started). I wanted to hate LOST when they killed Charlie, but I couldn’t. There is probably a support group out there for me, but they say you can’t be helped until you are ready and I am soooo not ready.

My entreaty to Dri#ctTV: Please, please, please come out to the house and do whatever it is that you (supposedly) told Cousin It you had to do to fix the TV. I believe it is probably an issue with lack of payment (as it was the last three times it went off), but Cousin It claims you told him the “wind moved the dish” and that you couldn’t come fix it until Thursday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Dear lord of dish repair guys, I need you to be done before 8pm. I will bake you cookies. Here are some great LOST quotes to keep you motivated:

Mr. Eko: “Do not mistake coincidence for fate.”

Rousseau, briefing the castaways on the Others: “You’ve only got three choices: run, hide… or die.”

Desmond: “I push this button every 108 minutes. I don’t get out much.”

Hurley: “Dude, you’ve got some Artz on you.”

Locke, to Jack: “Do you really think all this… is an accident? That we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason. All of us.”

Carry on.

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‘Allo, ‘allo fellow Heads Or Tails amigos. If you don’t play, please visit Skittle’s Place for the who, what, where and when…

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, TAILS – Who would you like to meet and why?

This got me all contemplative and thoughtful…oh, brain freeze! I went into history; famous artists, geniuses, writers, politicians. You know, people who shaped the world we live in. None of them, shall we say, inspired my thought processes.

Then I asked for cues from Mr. Vixen and Sparkles ( we are still meeting for Heroes night even though there is no Heroes and we desperately try to entertain each other). Something Sparkles AND Mr. Vixen combined, set the spark, and VOILA:

I would like to meet my Grandpa Ernie. Now, it is true that I have already met him. But the last time I saw him he was in a coma and I was eight. He had just had surgery for a brain tumor. He never recovered and passed away a few days later. He is my paternal grandfather. My paternal grandmother lived until I was 32 and I knew her pretty well. I would like to spend a couple days talking to Grandpa Ernie. I am pretty sure my Dad got a lot of the qualities I admire most about him from Grandpa Ernie. The stories just aren’t enough to satisfy my curiosity. I want to talk to the man in person as an adult. I know we would hit it off and I would love to see in person his wit, intelligence and strength. He would be a vast wealth of information about the world in a different time and life growing up in England and Canada. He could give me ‘dirt’ on my Dad so I could raz him. I would like to share with him my husband and kids, and let him know I carried on that hard-work ethic he ingrained in my Dad and indirectly in me. I could thank him for raising one of the greatest father’s on the planet. I could thank him for that time he came and sat at the end of my bed and told me everything was going to be okay, how much it meant to me and still touches me today. I would like to say, I love you and I miss you, Gramps.

Shhh, I am not here. I am at work. I just wanted you to know that I don’t have a TT this week, how sad is that? Well, not that sad. I don’t have a TT post this week because:

  1. My sciatica is bad this week and I can’t get comfortable.
  2. I have to take off work twice a week for physical therapy (see above), so I am really busy all the time making up the time.
  3. I have been working on Butterball’s pajama’s.
  4. I made a hat. And someone liked it so I made her one, in pink.
  5. American Idol was on twice (I never watch the show, but I always watch the auditions).
  6. Survivor starts tonight. February 7th. Apparently, I don’t even know what week it is. There is absolutely nothing new on TV tonight (damn strike), so I will be watching 3:10 To Yuma (or as I have been calling it: 4:20 To Somewhere Arizona because I can’t remember what it is called).
  7. I cooked this Peach Cobbler Dump Cake last night and it was so good I could not move afterwards, let alone think.
  8. I downloaded GIMP and tweaking photos is consuming me.
  9. I have to take Ladybug to her first speech therapy appointment this afternoon.
  10. I am volunteering tomorrow at 6:30am, which is hard evidence that I am not in my right mind.
  11. I still need to finish/post the results to last weeks TITT.
  12. It’s cold and rainy.
  13. I am hungry.

‘Allo, ‘allo fellow Heads Or Tails amigos. If you don’t play, please visit Skittle’s Place for the who, what, where and when…

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, HEADS – Any of the five senses (Hear, Touch, Smell, See, Taste).

Woo hoo. I just stayed up late writing and then posted, only to find I had done next weeks cue. Ah well. I am determined and will now try and do this weeks cue and still get a few hours sleep before work.

She heard the rain before she went out the door, a gentle pitter patter on the roof. As she closed the door behind her it become a downpour and swooshed in upon her eardrums. Unable to locate her umbrella, she dashed across the yard towards her car. She could feel the rain soaking through her sweater as she ran. She saw the puddle too late, her foot planted deep in it and the water splashed up her leg. She laughed. This was just like being six again. The rain released the scent of citrus from the grove beside her house and she stopped to inhale deeply. It reminded her of another childhood folly and she tilted her head back. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth. The drops tasted of rainbows and unicorns and for a moment she was transported to a simpler time. She shook her head to release some of the damp and dove into the front seat of her car. She cranked the heat up to high and felt it start to penetrate through her clothes and into her damp bones. That was fun, she thought. She started the car, shook her head once more, and drove off to work.

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