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vac·il·late (vās’ə-lāt’) Pronunciation Key
intr.v. vac·il·lat·ed, vac·il·lat·ing, vac·il·lates

  1. To sway from one side to the other; oscillate.
  2. To swing indecisively from one course of action or opinion to another.

Interesting that I found this word. A word that defines how I have felt for days (weeks? time seems expanded and contracted). There seems a giant sway in my life focus. That has never happened to me before. It makes me feel as if the world has slipped out from under my feet. I have always, no matter what was going on, felt grounded in some way. I have been confused, afraid, lost; but never have I lost my footing. One day I feel hopeful and newly alive, as if I escaped some great danger (well, I did) and others I am afloat in a frightening landscape of unknown and unfixable.

Honestly, today I felt hopeful and optimistic; yet beneath it all lurked some kind of depressive fear and leeriness. The flow and sway is truly the most unsettling feeling I have ever had.

I know not where I go or even what I think, feel or expect. I am a control freak in the midst of a universe of uncontrollable feelings. It is…..

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