Vixen’s Den

So, I did it. I went to the old house. Parked across the street. Talked with some neighbors. Their house was spared, but their sister’s home around the corner was not. They had spent the day sifting through rubble and found her wedding ring. The ring part was melted, but she could clearly see the diamonds. The neighbor I wanted to see most, who hugged me and cried the day I moved, was not home.  Her house was spared and I had seen that before, but things are so messy there so I guess she is staying somewhere else. Someone had put a giant sifter, a new shovel, a new rake and a bucket in the yard of the house. Red Cross volunteers and paramedics stopped to ask if we needed masks, water or chapstick. It was quite strange standing in the backyard looking into my kitchen with the lovely pass-through window. The twisty tree in the front yard I always called “the twisty love tree” to my husband is burned and injured beyond saving. It was easier and harder than I thought it would be. Surreal, I guess. I want to take them all homemade cookies.

I am guessing I am going to be doing a lot of baking in the next week.

I would like to speak with the power to be. A personal audience preferably. He and I have spoken many times. In fact, I speak with him nearly daily, but I want a one on one.

Tonight Mr. Vixen’s knee went out on him as he tried to go out the the ‘yellow’ toilet. He fell down the stairs. Now he has a bleeding knee, a bleeding hand, and a very painful knee. He is one of those men so there is “nothing too wrong”, except he had to go to bed. I am sure that my morning, instead of me being back at work after missing an entire week last hell week, will involve a visit to the urgent care.

But this is not why I want a tête-à-tête with my Lord. It is the most mundane which I wish discuss with Him. I simply want to talk about the weather. A conversation about why seven days ago it was incredibly hot (hot enough to create Firestorm 2007 as dubbed by the local news) and tonight it is 39 degrees. 39 degrees in southern California? Does He realize that is only 7 degrees away from freezing? Seriously, if a disturbed 44 year old woman with possible post traumatic stress disorder HAS to walk across 2.5 acres to use an old, leaky yellow toilet can’t He make it just a bit more bearable?

I know, I know. I am asking too much. But I always was one to ask all the wrong questions.

Maybe just deciding I had PTSD has made me better able to cope. Or maybe the cool Live Windows Beta Blogging thing is just so much easier on my poor arthritic fingers. Either way I am catching up on my 365 Project. Two new posts, here and here. I also added an About My Header Picture Page.

I found a way to put a word document into my wordpress with pictures and all, so now you don’t have to download some bigass file to enjoy the fun. So run over there and read and comment so I know you were there. (well the pictures come out much smaller this way, but there are so many of them it is probably just as well.)
PS: I also found a program that I can create a word document and upload it into my blog automatically. How cool is that. And don’t tell me you already knew about it. That would just be mean and insinuate I am slow.

I haven’t been feeling right. I have never “felt” this way before, so I am not sure what it is that I am feeling. I started joking that maybe I have PTSD. Then (while I should be working) I found this:

In general, post-traumatic stress disorder can be seen as an overwhelming of the body’s normal psychological defenses against stress. Thus, after the trauma, there is abnormal function (dysfunction) of the normal defense systems, which results in certain symptoms. The symptoms are produced in three different ways:

1. Re-experiencing the trauma
2. Persistent avoidance
3. Increased arousal

First, symptoms can be produced by re-experiencing the trauma, whereby the individual can have distressing recollections of the trauma. For example, the person may relive the experience as terrible dreams or nightmares or as daytime flashbacks of the event. Furthermore, external cues in the environment may remind the patient of the event. As a result, the psychological distress of the exposure to trauma is reactivated (brought back) by internal thoughts, memories, and even fantasies. Persons also can experience physical reactions to stress, such as sweating and rapid heart rate. (These reactions are similar to the “fight or flight” responses to emergencies described by Dr. Walter Cannon.) The patient’s posttraumatic symptoms can be identical to those symptoms experienced when the actual trauma was occurring.

The second way that symptoms are produced is by persistent avoidance. The avoidance refers to the person’s efforts to avoid trauma-related thoughts or feelings and activities or situations that may trigger memories of the trauma. This so-called psychogenic (emotionally caused) amnesia (loss of memory) for the event can lead to a variety of reactions. For example, the patient may develop a diminished interest in activities that used to give pleasure, detachment from other people, restricted range of feelings, and a sad affect that leads to the view that the future will be shortened.

The third way that symptoms are produced is by an increased state of arousal of the affected person. These arousal symptoms include sleep disturbances, irritability, outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, increased vigilance, and an exaggerated startle response when shocked.

If there was a test for this I am pretty sure I would get an A+ (I always was good at tests). Now I wonder where I go from here? I have so many funny/annoying stories to tell you still, but whenever I sit down I am compelled to get up, run off, and do something else. This is good for the laundry which has now all been washed, even the clean stuff was washed again. Just in case. I am not a laundry person. I bet last month I did one-maybe two loads the entire month. Mr. Vixen usually does it. Maybe its not PTSD, but obsessive-compulsive laundry disorder?

Don’t leave me, my internetty peeps. I am boring as hell right now, but I got the stories and pictures brewing inside my head. I just have to figure out how to set them free.

I have posted the first two days of the Great Inferno 2007. No more depressing stuff just fun, adventure and lots of pictures. Kick off your shoes, recline in your chair and enjoy. Don’t forget to comment!

Day One

Day Two

New post up at my 365 Project

Last night when I went to sleep, it was clear and cold. I was so relieved. I slept hard and actually woke up in the middle of a dream about the sky being bright blue and taking pictures for my 365 Project. As I walked out of the bedroom, I instantly knew it was all a dream. My place smelled of a thick, heavy woodsmoke worse than the day we were evacuated. Mr. Vixen was in the kitchen getting coffee and I said WTH? He said, don’t go outside. I did anyway. The smoke was thicker than at any time during this entire ordeal. Cousin It went to town to get a mask for his daughter, Krackers. All day the helicoptors passed back and forth above our house with full buckets of water. I called Nannygoat to tell her we could not carve pumpkins here tonight because the air quality was too bad for the babies.

Then God smiled on me. He sent some gray clouds my way from the ocean. This blew some smoke away. Nannygoat came up with the babies and Ladybug got on the trampoline. And it started raining. RAIN. Not hard, not a lot. But RAIN.

I think its going to be ok. I think I might have some kind of post traumatic stress disorder because I couldn’t force myself to leave the property today to go to the store for food (we had none), but I feel so hopeful right now. Never in my life has rain smelled so good.

Those of you who have been reading know that we just moved a few months ago from a house we lived in for 10 years. I did a post about it here where I talked about our times and memories there. My son, Macdougal, did a lovely video montage using only pictures taken in that house at the same time. In the video are a few of the kids friends who also live in that neighborhood. Thanks and praise to God, that their homes were all saved, unlike the other 24 on our street. I want to share with you all the lovely video. Also Nannygoat, Bear, Macdougal, Mr.Vixen, Lloyd and Fishboy went over to the old house yesterday to see for themselves and to hug our friends. I wanted to see, but I did not want to do it in person yet. I know we are very lucky that we had moved and all our stuff was not on there. We did not lose everything like so many hundreds did. But I am moved and saddened. During the fires four years ago, we also evacuated and we did not get anything out but the house stood and sheltered us for another four years (in fact four years ago today those fires started-or yesterday, I am not sure what day it is yet). I pray for all the victims of this tragedy and my heart goes out to them. Please click The Good Times Are Killing Me link below and see what a great time that home gave us. (Thanks to Nannygoat for the picture work and to Macdougal for having made the video)

The Good Times Are Killing Me

All the pictures in that video were taken in our home (or in the backyard/front)
Here is it before:

And after:

where the fish pond used to be out back

oven

railing into dining room